Too many things:
There are too many things wrong with the world- with humanity, our
planet, our past, etc. to do any work it seems! I feel all of this intense
emotion for the injustice and ugliness that is everywhere, yet what can I do? I
think about Africa, that the way of life there is bleak. Sickness and poverty
are a normal state for many innocent people. This where all humans came from!
But one day later I will stop thinking about this and I am upset
about corporate corruption and cover-ups. About the numbing and dumbing down of
the masses.
And still moments later I blame religion for the same thing. I want
to influence political involvement in the farm industry, I dream of the end of
monoculture farming and more unhealthy and processed food being “engineered” to
feed our already overpopulated planet. I want our water clean, save it and in
turn all of us who are drinking it from ingesting toxins and chemicals that
“maybe” harm us. I dream of communities that trust each other and become
self-sustaining.
I wish I could expose the bullshit of war! Fighting for what?
Business. Keep that damn economy strong! Keep killing the young men! The war
machine is working, and well oiled.
I want there to be an end to rich pharmaceutical companies preying
through endless persuasive advertising on weak people who are unhappy, not
because of “clinical depression” or “social anxiety” but upset because, damnit things
are sad, things are upsetting! I wish that there was a faith in ourselves, not
in drugs- which just adds to our sick, sick species. Cancer, obesity, diabetes,
heart disease, a handful of mental issues, why? Really why? Because of
laziness, because of poor diet, and weakness of mind. We are what we eat. A
balanced diet leads to a healthy body and
healthy mind.
And ahhh! The list goes on and on and I can feel so angry, so
worried and even saddened by these realities. But I have to choose, like so
many out there, to be happy to live my
life, free and happy. Work hard on my life-my people. But it’s not easy. I am
very distracted by all the social woes, and there are just so many that I don’t
know where to work, where to help, what to do even! If this big wheel is
already in motion then I, one person, can’t change it! What an attitude, huh? I
hate that downright negativity, but it feels so true. Corporations and
politicians kill for their way. They cheat and steal and everyone supports them, that is what makes it so difficult for change.
Support comes from everywhere.
Many people don’t know or understand.
I feel frustrated. I love the world. I want goodness. Real, honest,
careful goodness. And simplicity. And there isn’t that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These are a few of my favorite things:
The way the sun reflecting off the clouds
turns the sky into a glowing apocalyptic red or a cotton candy pink.
The many shades of green, seen specifically
in contrast to the blue sky when looking up.
Getting lost in a world I don’t know, ready
for the knowledge it will unload to me.
Young or old or middle aged lovers openly
displaying affection in the streets.
The honesty of feeling sadness when sadness
is appropriate.
Leaving my home in search of adventure.
Returning home when I am done.
Drinking red wine on a balcony late into the
night with jazz.
Contemplating stars and space and leaves of
grass and how to be happy and when to say no.
Sharing it all with those who I love and
trust.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mourning myself:
It is early in the morning on this misty, cool, comfortable
fall day. I woke with a heaviness of heart that must be explored, documented,
and accepted. In life I do believe we are always changing, often in small,
subtle ways that even we do not detect in ourselves perhaps. I think this is
good, or rather can be good, and is just part of life, of the growing and
learning experience. There are times also when this changing is strongly felt,
rather than being subtle and going unnoticed. I think this is what weighs heavy
on my chest today. This change is good, often best. To be specific I know that
this type of growth, at this period in my life is what I need and also what I
want. So why the heavy heart? Sometimes with a glaring apparent change, a
growing, done by cognitive choice, no matter how deep the desire for it and
necessary it may be, there also comes a sort of death. A death of the self that
was, the selves that I have been before. Or rather a shrinking back of that
self. Yes, I am me, I was and always will be shaped by my decisions and my past
experiences, but I may not get that version of me back ever again. Those
confusing early twenties, the passion and lust for life, for experience. The
wreckless abandon and wild adventurous energy. The bad decisions, so fun, that
made me sick and heartsick. The music, all the late nights, the mystery and
possibility in every relationship. Being single. I think now and meditate on
what I want. I want to be healthy, to always grow and learn, to be a positive
and responsible and conscious member of my circles and this human race. I want
to raise bees and have a garden, learn languages and have a child. Cultivate
honest, lasting friendships and be a happy woman! The moments, years, and
everything in-between that I have spent leading up to where i am now have all
be so real! So wonderful and real. I think that as my relationship with Josh
grows deeper-more intense, my normal, my world, that I realize the reality of
this growing up- growing new, changing from the party-girl, down-for-whatever,
changing and noticing the change-choosing the change. Knowing that there will
not be turning back, no final conversation with past loves, no explaining why I
had to. No last glimpse of the scene. Just done. Laid to rest is that version
of me. I have cleared the space now and am open to the universe, to what will
be shown to me. What new emotions and experiences will fill me and become me.
Where my undying passions and lust for life will lead me this time….
Only this time I think I know. This time I have control,
this makes me powerful. Power over myself, control of my life. Open, yet aware.
Eager, yet cautious. To think before I act, consideration before compulsion.
And with this my heart does not feel lighter, not today. For the mourning
period sometimes lasts. A goodbye like this one is deep and must be accepted
over time.
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